i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize
