Already got asked if we're dating
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
