Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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