NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
