She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
