Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
