How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Randomize
