he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
