For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
