I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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