my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
