got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
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