Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
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