if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
