Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
