I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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