You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I wish you could order shots online.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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