so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
