It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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