i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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