If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
