dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
