Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
