i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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