Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
