Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
