Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
