after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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