Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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