I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
