Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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