I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
