So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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