if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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