i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
