id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
