It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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