apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
