Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
