Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
