I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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