I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
