Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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