Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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