do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
