My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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