I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
