So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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