can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
My vagina just recognized that song.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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