I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
