I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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