I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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